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Seksualitas Diri
Saya ingin menikah, hidup normal, punya keluarga kecil yang bahagia. Permasalahannya, apa ada yang mau menerima keadaanku sebenarnya. Saya terbiasa onani, untuk menikah jelas tak mungkin, berhubungan dengan sesama jenis juga tak mungkin karena saya takut norma agama dan cemoohan orang. Apa lagi saya hidup di desa yang masyarakatnya belum bisa menerima orang dengan kelainan seperti saya.
Permasalahan lain muncul, sekarang saya sering buang air kecil, kadang sampai keluar sedikit di celana. Kadang kalau pas mengobrol sama teman dan mereka mencemooh banci, saya pilu.
Mohon saran, apakah saya harus menikah dan bagaimana mengatasi seringnya muncul rasa tak nyaman berada di keramaian, misalnya saat kondangan atau pertemuan? Apakah onani berbahaya bagi kesehatan?”
Sesungguhnya cukup banyak remaja dan orang muda mengalami kebingungan mengenai jati diri dan seksualitasnya. Apakah saya lesbian? Atau biseksual? Mengapa lahir dalam tubuh perempuan, padahal jiwa saya laki-laki?
Karena tubuh sempurna diidealkan, kadang rendah diri juga terkait kondisi tubuh. Misalnya, ”Saya laki-laki mengapa badan sangat kecil dan kerempeng?” Kegalauan itu dapat sangat menyakitkan dan membingungkan, seperti kata B, ”terasa pilu”. Sayang ada terlalu banyak pandangan normatif yang mudah mengotak-kotakkan, terlalu cepat menghakimi dan menghukum, yang sama sekali tidak menyelesaikan persoalan.
Variasi seksualitas
Barangkali keragaman manusia, termasuk dalam seksualitas, adalah fitrah. Kinsey dkk dalam penelitian klasiknya (1953) menemukan kontinum ketertarikan seksual manusia, mulai yang eksklusif heteroseksual, hingga eksklusif homoseksual, dengan banyak variasi di tengah. Meski dilakukan lebih dari 50 tahun lalu, penelitian ini masih sangat relevan, bahkan makin dikuatkan temuan-temuan lain pada masa kini.
Berbagai kajian ilmiah menemukan peran faktor genetik, neurobiologis dan sosial-psikologis, secara bersama atau sendiri. Hal itu dapat membantu lebih memahami keragaman seksualitas manusia, sekaligus meminimalkan stigma. Bila dulu homoseksualitas dianggap gangguan kejiwaan, Manual Penggolongan Gangguan Jiwa Asosiasi Psikiater Amerika dan digunakan banyak profesional kesehatan mental berbagai negara, termasuk Indonesia, kini tidak lagi mendiagnosisnya sebagai gangguan.
Kecuali individu itu sendiri menghayati tekanan sangat berat akibat keadaannya dan ingin mengubah diri. Selain itu, ada pula fenomena identitas jender minoritas, seperti laki-laki yang merasa terperangkap dalam badan perempuan atau sebaliknya. Juga ada anomali seksual, misalnya genitalia interseks yang tentu berdampak pada penghayatan psikologis manusia.
Bahagia meski ”berbeda”
Kembali ke kegalauan B. B sendiri yang dapat memutuskan apakah akan menikah atau tidak. Bila Anda merasa fitrah tertarik sama besar pada perempuan dan laki-laki, atau masih dapat belajar mencintai perempuan, barangkali dapat memutuskan menikah. Bila tidak, memaksa diri menikah malah menambah banyak masalah. Pada akhirnya manusia tidak dapat membohongi diri sendiri. Pula secara etis kita perlu jujur dan terbuka kepada (calon) pasangan mengenai karakteristik diri.
Tentang onani, secara psikologis kita semua makhluk seksual juga yang memiliki hasrat seksual. Jadi, hal tersebut manusiawi saja, juga lebih aman bagi diri sendiri maupun orang lain. Bayangkan bila karena tidak ada pasangan seksual kita lalu berhubungan dengan sembarang orang, atau malah melakukan kekerasan seksual kepada pihak lain. Bukankah itu lebih berbahaya dan merugikan? Walau demikian, B perlu merefleksi, apakah tindakannya telah berlebihan dan menjadi bentuk pelarian diri. Segala yang berlebihan berdampak kurang baik.
Klein (1990) mendefinisikan orientasi seksual lebih luas, luwes, sekaligus inklusif. Orientasi seksual mencakup banyak hal, ketertarikan seksual, fantasi seksual, gaya hidup, preferensi emosional, preferensi sosial, hingga ke identifikasi diri. Konsep ini memberi banyak pilihan bagi manusia menyesuaikan diri dalam norma masyarakat sekaligus tetap mengakui keunikan pribadi. Misalnya, tidak menikah dan mentransformasi ketertarikan romantis menjadi hubungan persahabatan. Bila perlu, individu interseks dapat menjalani operasi organ seksual seandainya membantu ketenangan diri.
Seksualitas manusia sangat kompleks, yang tidak dapat kita diskusikan tuntas dalam ruang terbatas ini. Menjadi homoseksual, biseksual, atau heteroseksual tidak bicara apa-apa tentang baik-buruk, benar-salah, atau martabat. Singkat kata, nilai manusia jauh melampaui identitas seksualnya. Meski harus melalui perjalanan jauh lebih sulit dan lama, semoga yang merasa berbeda juga dapat menerima diri serta menemukan kebahagiaan dan makna kehadiran kemanusiaannya. / kompas.com
READ MORE - Seksualitas Diri
Meditating seal looks to the sky
READ MORE - Meditating seal looks to the sky
Ten ways to survive the recession
1.Overpay your mortgage while you can
If you overpay you can also take payment holidays if you run into difficulty. But that aside, you could cut your mortgage term considerably. Over a 25-year period, the maths on mortgage overpayments certainly stacks up.
A homeowner on a lifetime tracker mortgage paying around £1,000 per month a few months ago would have seen their minimum payment drop to £690 now. If rates stay at their historic low and the homeowner continued paying £1,000 per month, they could expect to save £16,000 over the term and pay off their mortgage nine years early.
2. Pick a winning card
Paying off credit card and other consumer debts is vital. But card issuers are pushing up their prices and reducing "interest-free" periods. While it's been the norm to have 56 days to pay before interest kicks in, many cards have cut this to 50 days. Balance transfer fees are also rising.
If you need to switch to a cheaper card, Virgin, RBS and NatWest accept transferred balances, will charge zero interest for 13 months or more months and still give 56 interest-free days, according to moneysupermarket.com, the comparison service. There is a transfer fee in each case (around 3pc). But don't do any spending on the cards during the 14-month interest-free period.
If you're not in debt, think about a cashback card which reimburses you for part of your spend. Shell MasterCard from Citi refunds 1 per cent of your spending and 3 per cent on your Shell fuel, while American Express refunds 5 per cent for the first three months up to £200.
3. Insure your income
The Government will help home owners who lose their jobs by paying the interest on mortgages of up to £200,000 from the 13th week after redundancy. But this will not help couples in which only one worker loses their job; neither will it pay for interest on other loans.
Alternatively, you could arrange insurance linked to your income to pay out monthly so you have funds to cover your debts. For example, a £35 a month policy with Pay Protect will insure 60pc of your gross earnings and pay them for a year, up to £1,000 a month.
Meanwhile, it is possible to specifically insure your mortgage repayments, usually for up to two years, by buying a mortgage payment protection insurance policy linked to your home loan. Do check the small print – many of these policies will not pay out if you are self-employed, work on a short-term contract or if your employer has already announced job cuts.
4. Keep savings in an easily accessible account.
Savings rates have fallen from the giddy heights of more than 6pc but there are still rates around the 4pc mark. You might have to act quickly as interest rates are expected to be cut in the New Year.
5. Cut the cost of essential insurance
Do not automatically accept a renewal quotation for either motor or household insurance. Tell your insurer you are not happy with it and intend to shop around. They will normally reduce the price for you. It's worth shopping around anyway, as you may get it cheaper still.
6. Take care of your pension
If your pension is directly linked to the stock market, as most private sector plans now are, you may have watched recent roller-coaster share prices with trepidation.
If you are younger than 50, the markets should have recovered long before you retire. If you are older, most well-planned investment-linked schemes are so-called lifestyle pensions, which gradually shift investments out of equities into bonds as retirement approaches.
If you are close to your 50th birthday, however, it may be worth checking with your pensions manager – you may want to discuss with your advisers whether it makes more sense to put such "lifestyling" on hold until markets settle.
This may also be the case for anyone in their fifties; if a big parcel of shares is about to be sold, you may wish to consider delaying that temporarily.
More difficult decisions face those whose portfolios were risky in the run-up to retirement, and who could be sitting on losses. In this case, you have two options. You can work longer or delay taking your pension, perhaps by switching it into a drawdown scheme, which allows investments to continue until the market bounces again. Take advice, as the second option can be fraught with risks.
In any event, you have to crystallise your pension fund at 75, when you must buy an annuity.
7. Fix your retirement income
If you are happy with the size of your pension nest-egg then it might make sense to buy an annuity soon, which guarantees a fixed pension throughout your retirement. Annuity rates have risen marginally over the past year, but are expected to fall again as interest rates decline – this means you will get a smaller income from the same-sized pension pot.
8. Keep an eye on your final salary pension
If you have a final salary pension underwritten by the Government or a strong employer, you have nothing to worry about.
But if you are expecting a big pension from a company that you suspect may not survive the recession, then consider transferring out. If there is a black hole in your employer's pension scheme, your pension will be rescued by the Pension Protection Fund. But the most you can receive is £27,000 a year if you work until retirement, and those younger than 50 will only gain a maximum of £21,000.
9. Shake up your share portfolio
With interest rates on the way down, you could reorganise your investments to buy utility companies, supermarkets, Marks & Spencer, pharmaceuticals and tobacco companies, all of which are expected to continue paying attractive dividends.
10. Boost your income
Take on a part-time job or advertise for a lodger. The advantage of renting out a room is that it is tax-free under the Government's rent-a-room scheme. Unlike a part-time job, you can earn up to £4,250 a year tax-free. Part-time earnings, though, will be added to those of your main employment for tax and National Insurance purposes.( telegraph.co.uk )
READ MORE - Ten ways to survive the recession
Pros and Cons of Career Coaches
Unfortunately, this person does not exist.
I'm telling you this because lately some of you have been hiring or looking to hire so-called career coaches with the idea that they can help you find career nirvana.
Such coaches can be helpful in offering career guidance, but you need to beware of scammers and individuals promising you a quick path to the perfect job. And keep in mind that pretty much anyone can become a career coach since there is no mandatory credentialing or governing body keeping tabs on these people.
Lack of oversight and the tough job market seem to be fueling a coaching explosion. The International Coach Federation -- based in Lexington, Ky., and one of the largest coaching associations -- has seen its membership skyrocket in the last 10 years, from 2,100 in 1999 to 17,700 today. Membership last year was 15,800, up from 13,400 in 2007.
With the jobless rate at a 26-year high, many workers in today's economy are looking for a little hand-holding, and some career coaches are capitalizing on that, says Ben Dattner, a New York-based management consultant and adjunct professor at New York University.
"They represent themselves as empathetic listeners, the cure-all panacea," he says. "But it's a little bit of a bait and switch."
To get hired, he says, coaches represent themselves as having the ability to find answers. "But when they're in the room with you, you realize they can only help generally by asking questions."
Buyer's remorse
Given the elusive nature of the industry, there are few if any numbers on how many individuals are working with career coaches today. But the number of inquiries at the Better Business Bureau into firms that come under the self-improvement training and career-counseling umbrella jumped 10.5 percent in 2008 to 48,842, according to Alison Southwick, a spokeswoman for the agency. Total number of complaints filed against companies in these categories was 431 last year.
"We have some concerns with this type of company, but for the most part the complaints are buyer's remorse," says Jane Driggs, president of the BBB in Utah. "The consumer pays thousands of dollars and then realizes that it isn't as easy as they thought it looked."
One particular firm, the Coaching Institute Inc. based in Draper, Utah, had more than 80 complaints alone, including everything from service to billing to contract issues. (The company's Web site, www.coaching-institute.com, is not working and the phone number for the firm is perpetually busy.)
Terry Anderson, a real-estate agent in St. Petersburg, Fla., went to a free coaching seminar sponsored by the Coaching Institute and felt pressured to sign up for $3,000 worth of coaching services.
"They said I'd have two weeks to decide if I wanted to go ahead with it, but they debited my credit card $1,000 anyway and then came after me for the remaining $2,000," she says.
She refused to pay, and as a result, her credit rating suffered.
While there are pitfalls to look out for, there are also many satisfied coaching customers.
Figuring out a path
Take Bill Glynn, who lost his job as a product manager for a high-tech firm last year. He was very happy with the six months he spent talking to career coach John Bates -- aka the "Job-Guy" -- based out of Mansfield, Mass.
"He helped me explore myself," Glynn says. Bates asked Glynn probing questions and had him take personality tests to figure out what careers would be best for him. "We sat down and chatted and asked 'Who is Bill?' and he took notes."
Glynn paid a fixed fee of $1,000 and spoke with his coach face to face several times over the six months.
As far as figuring out what he wants to do with his career now, Glynn doesn't have an answer. "I'm still evaluating that," he says. But the coach helped him narrow his interests, and he's now leaning toward becoming a mediator, arbitrator or possibly doing something in government.
Despite not having a definitive direction, he's satisfied with his career-coaching experience. "It's like getting a massage," he says. "It's definitely worth getting, but that doesn't mean you won't be getting some back pain later on."
If you think a career coach may be something your career needs right about now, there are a few things to keep in mind.
First, you may be able to get free career coaching through your employer after a layoff. Some career-transition companies, such as outplacement firm Lee Hecht Harrison, offer the service to workers who have been downsized -- and the company doing the downsizing picks up the tab, says Rob Saam, the firm's chief career officer.
He's seeing a growing desire among displaced workers to want to connect with a career coach. "When the job market is hard like this, it's only natural for people to want to reach out and get as much help as they can," he adds.
Check out prospective coach
Also, since there is no governing body for coaches, you'll have to do a lot of legwork before you sign up.
"There is one thing and only one thing people should consider in hiring a coach. Do they get results for their clients?" says Linda Henman, president of consulting firm Henman Performance Group.
A good career coach should be more than willing to give you a list of clients they've worked with. It's also a good idea to check the BBB to see if the individual or company has any complaints filed against them.
You also can check out social networking sites like LinkedIn to find out more about a coach's network, advises coaching veteran Laurence J. Stybel. If they're not part of any networks, that's probably a bad sign, he says.
And beware of big promises.
"No career coach can turn a mediocre career into a meteoric career," he says. "And anyone who says so lies."
"If you are satisfied in paying good money to improve your game by 3 percent, then a competent career coach might be a worthwhile investment," he adds.
You also want to steer clear of developing a dependency on your career coach because you could end up with a lot of bad advice and out a lot of money, maintains NYU's Dattner.
"You have to own it yourself, not have them answer questions for you," he says. "We all try to free ourselves from our parents' backseat driving and break out on our own. Having a surrogate parent telling you what to do is not helpful." ( msn.com )
READ MORE - Pros and Cons of Career Coaches
Six things you should do if an offer is rescinded
The first time, she worked for a small consulting firm and the contract for the account she worked was cut short. A couple of days later, the account requested to bring her back on board. After filling out some paperwork, she waited -- and waited, and waited -- to start work again. Two months later, she figured out that the account had imposed a hiring freeze.
The second time, she was told orally that a bank wanted to hire her and that it was a "done deal." She waited two weeks for an offer letter. Finally, Graham received an e-mail stating that the job was placed on hold indefinitely.
"The first time I was very disappointed because I really wanted to return to my contract assignment. The second time I was in disbelief because the vice president told me it was a done deal," Graham says. "I wish that I continued searching for a job while I was waiting for my offer in writing and for the paperwork to be approved. I should have kept my search going so that I could have a fallback plan."
Fired before you're hired
Graham, like many other job seekers, fell victim to a trend that's becoming more common as the economy continues to stagnate. While companies downsize and institute hiring freezes, job seekers are finding start dates pushed back and job offers withdrawn.
"Job offers are rescinded for a variety of reasons. Some [are] external, such as the overall economy, some [are] internal such as a department's funding is cut," says Laura George, author of "Excuse Me, Your Job is Waiting." "There are also times when it's determined that a person is needed but it would be more cost-effective to hire one person to work in two or more departments and spread the costs."
No matter the reason your job offer is repealed, experts agree that you should respond to the situation in a professional manner and get to the bottom of what happened.
"If your offer has been rescinded, you must find out what the exact reasons behind the decision were. Were they economically based or due to a background, drug or reference check?" says Jonathan Mazzocchi, partner and general manager of the New York accountingfinance division of Winter, Wyman. "As hard as it is, gather the facts. Try to separate the people you interviewed with from the organization's decision, and keep all of your interactions professional." and
In Graham's case, for example, when the first offer was revoked, the company never explained what was going on; it just said that the paperwork was in and it was waiting. In the meantime, she lived off her savings and put her job search on hold. The second company, which told her the job was placed on hold "indefinitely," said it would keep her mind for the future, but she hasn't heard anything yet.
"Once I found out that my offer was no longer viable, I quickly started to search for another position, but it was more difficult to find something by that time," she says.
Now what?
Unfortunately, you don't have many legal rights in this situation. Most states have employment-at-will policies, which means employees can be terminated at any time, for any reason. You should think long and hard before pursuing legal action if a job offer is revoked -- litigation costs will be extensive and you will undoubtedly burn bridges with your would-be employer. Consult an HR expert or lawyer in your area about your options.
It's important to handle the situation professionally if you find yourself with a rescinded job offer. Here are six steps you can take to protect yourself:
1. Find out why
Find out the exact reason behind the withdrawn offer. Ask the potential employer if it was something revealed in a reference check or if it had something to do with the economy.
"Let the hiring manager know you are interested in working at the company if there [is] a change of circumstances," George says. "If you really are the best candidate, the hiring manager will contact you when the circumstances change."
2. Be open and honest
"Once you've got a company that wants to hire you, you've cleared the tallest hurdle. How you react [to a rescinded job offer] can determine if that offer might return," says Jim Luzar, president of Sales Consultants of Brookfield, a Wisconsin recruiting firm. "Be open and honest with [the employer] about your situation. If you are still interested in the job, let them know your finances. Can you wait six months to start?"
Or, if you can find a way to earn some money in the interim, let the employer know you will wait for the full-time position.
"If you simply can't wait for the position to reopen, don't be shy about it," Luzar says. "You came looking for a job because you needed one. [Respectfully] tell them, so that if you are looking for a job again in the future, they will still have a high opinion of you."
3. Prepare yourself
"In this economy, expect anything," says Carolyn Dougherty, executive search consultant. Do not stop looking for work until your first day at a new job. Graham says the biggest lesson she learned was that nothing is a done deal until you are sitting in your new office or cubicle.
4. Do your homework
Before accepting a job offer, it's important to evaluate what's been offered. Ask about the employer's financial health and find out if the position is approved, Dougherty suggests. Ask if the company has ever withdrawn an offer and if so, what the company has done in the past. If the withdrawal of a vacant position is a real threat, ask if your offer letter can state what the company will do if the job offer is withdrawn.
5. Negotiate
If you left an old job to work for a new company and your offer was retracted due to the economy, you can try to negotiate unemployment benefits or a severance package from the employer, Mazzocchi says. Or, if you really want this job, you can try negotiating for a lower salary or position. "Some companies may opt to help you out as the right thing to do," he says.
6. Move on
If nothing comes from negotiating with your would-be employer, it's time to move on. Contact companies that have expressed interest in the past and let them know you are still available, suggests Roberta Chinsky Matuson, president of Human Resource Solutions. Whatever you do, resist the temptation to badmouth the organization that pulled back your offer.
In the meantime, Graham keeps busy by continuing her job search, going to school to maintain and enhance her skills, volunteering with nonprofit organizations and growing her own business. ( msn.com )
READ MORE - Six things you should do if an offer is rescinded
Help! My Job Search is Taking Years!
Fast-forward to May 2009: There were 792,000 discouraged workers -- 392,000 more than the year before. The average duration of joblessness was 23.1 weeks, and 23 percent of workers were unemployed for less than five weeks. Fifty percent of people were unemployed for more than 15 weeks and of that, 28 percent, or 3.9 million people, were unemployed for more than 27 weeks.
Clearly, periods of joblessness and, in turn, job searches, are taking longer with each passing month. While no interlude of unemployment is easy, the longer a person is unemployed, the harder it can be to find a job. Just ask Christine Wilson.
Wilson, from Littleton, Colo., left her Fortune 500 employer in September 2007 to pursue a lifelong dream of becoming a paid writer. She wrote and ghostwrote for various Web sites and, for a while, had great success. Eventually, she realized she needed a stable job and income, so she began job searching.
More than one year later, she remains unemployed.
"Being out of work as long as I have been makes me feel that an employer thinks I am desperate for any job," Wilson says. "Of course, that's not what I try to portray, but it doesn't take a genius to figure out that being out of work for a long time puts people into a desperate 'I-need-to-find-any-job-to-pay-my-bills' category."
Disadvantages to a long unemployment
Indeed, the harsh (and unfair) reality is that some employers are dubious of candidates who have been out of work for long periods of time. Claudine Vainrub, principal of EduPlan, a careers and educational consulting firm, says employers might think the candidate isn't proactive enough in his job search, isn't motivated or has a losing attitude.
"Companies consider that as time passes, the job seeker gets more and more disconnected with his or her industry, duties and [they lose] valuable career growth time," Vainrub says. "[They might] sense that if the seeker is ineffective in finding a job and marketing themselves, they might not be effective in other tasks. Questions arise as to why this candidate has not been recruited yet and if the company is missing out on some important data that could skew the hiring decision south."
Another disadvantage to an extended job search is that, as time passes, Vainrub says the clock ticks for the job seeker and he or she becomes increasingly anxious or desperate to find a job.
"We can become demoralized from negative employer responses," she says. "[An applicant's] self-esteem decreases from the negative feedback [and] rejection. This can prevent professionals from portraying themselves positively, as they would in a regular situation, when they have job security."
Indeed, Wilson says she has problems dealing with personal negative feedback and feeling like she's never good enough.
"It's hard to maintain a constant, positive, upbeat attitude. After several rejections, it's really hard not to take it personally," Wilson says. "Employers have the choose-the-cream-of-the-crop situation going for them right now. I repeatedly tell myself, if the employer just knew me -- my qualifications, my personality, my work ethics -- he or she would hire me immediately and never regret it."
If your job search is taking years, here are seven tips to stay motivated and speed up the process:
1. Pump yourself up
Employers can smell fear, desperation and anxiety from a mile away. Show strength, perseverance, optimism and a good work ethic in your interview rather than a bad attitude. "Looking for a job for a long time is a particularly unrewarding experience and it generally will show in your interview," says Art Koff, founder of RetiredBrains.com. As hard as it may be, don't approach each interview with the negativity that you feel.
2. Network
Networking is obviously not a well-kept secret, but many people still can't grasp its power. Wilson says being unemployed allows her to grow her network daily, and most of the interviews she's gotten have been through networking.
"Look for jobs more intensively through relationship-building than through any other source," Vainrub says. "Find ways to connect to professionals and develop your network."
3. Seek part-time and project-based opportunities
The longer you are out of practice in your field, the less desirable you are as a candidate. Find ways to stay active in your industry, if only for a few hours each day, Vainrub says.
"Part-time and temporary work can lead to a full-time job if you perform very well and impress decision-makers and co-workers. Sometimes, it even leads to a new career path as an entrepreneur," she says.
4. Revamp your résumé
The résumé you used in your last job search is probably no longer appropriate. Consider having your résumé rewritten or updated by an expert, Koff suggests. You might be leaving off important information or missing several grammatical mistakes.
5. Offer to work temporarily
Many workers are looking only for full-time work, so if you can accept something other than that, you might have an advantage.
6. Ask an expert
You don't want to go to an interview with an employer you are really interested in working for and make easily correctable mistakes, Koff says. Practice your interview beforehand.
"If you are getting interviews but missing out on opportunities, consult with a professional career and interview coach," Vainrub says. "Understanding how to tackle hard questions is an art that can be mastered."
7. Redirect your job search
Consider looking for work in areas that are different from your past job experience, Koff suggests. "If you've been out of work for a year or more, it is likely that the job market for people with your expertise is just not there," he says. "Find something else or check with other parts of the country that may have an opportunity." ( msn.com )
READ MORE - Help! My Job Search is Taking Years!
What's Your Job Search Style?
John Liptak, author of "Career Quizzes," divides job seekers into four categories: doers, preparers, energizers and thinkers. In his book, he emphasizes that none of the styles is any better than the other.
"The best job search strategy is the one that incorporates the best parts of your strongest style along with strategies you can learn to implement from weaker styles," Liptak says.
To discover which style best describes you and learn how to improve your performance in the job hunt, check out the descriptions and tips below, as outlined in Liptak's book.
The doer
Do you thrive on competition? Operate on a high-stress level? Continue pursuing something even though you've already been told "no"? If so, you may be a doer, Liptak says.
"People with a 'doer' job search style tend to be action-oriented, assertive and stick with a task until it's finished."
Doers and the job hunt:
- Excel at selling themselves, following through on job search activities, building their network and trumpeting their skills and experiences.
- Prefer aggressive job search strategies, such as directly calling an employer.
- Tend to lose patience with the job search.
- Sometimes come across as pushy or forget to listen during a job search interview.
How doers can improve their job search strategy
- Learn to know when assertiveness is detrimental to job search efforts.
- Think before acting to avoid alienating employers.
- Strive to relax and be patient.
- Develop a portfolio of accomplishments to show employers.
- Create a great résumé and cover letter to show prospective employers.
The preparer
Preparers are generally well-organized, adept planners who find comfort in routine and prefer to keep a low profile, Liptak says.
"They carry out their well-designed plans in a thorough and persistent manner, although often without any outward show of enthusiasm. Their fear of change can become debilitating, but in a stable and predictable environment, they are friendly and warm and have a tremendous desire to succeed."
Preparers and the job hunt:
- Remain calm in the job search and take rejection in stride.
- Tend to be responsive listeners with an easygoing nature and affable personality that makes for a comfortable interview environment.
- Sometimes struggle to sell themselves because they lack assertiveness.
- Inclined to rely too heavily on the visible job market, prompting them to underutilize more aggressive techniques like phoning employers or building a job search network.
How preparers can improve their job search strategy
- Become more assertive in self-marketing.
- Learn to never take "no" for an answer.
- Build a network of potential employers.
- Strive to enjoy talking with prospective employers.
- Take action after thorough preparations.
The energizer
Liptak describes energizers as the "free spirits" of the job hunt, because they tend to be adventurous risk-takers. "Unlike preparers, energizers have a high energy level and a great deal of enthusiasm, although they often need help channeling their energy in constructive ways. Energizers get along well with almost anyone, enjoy a variety of tasks and are open to change," Liptak says.
Energizers and the job hunt:
- Generally willing to use all job search methods and will even discover their own innovative strategies.
- Often viewed as charismatic and enthusiastic during interviews, provided they aren't seen as hyper or chaotic.
- Have difficulty organizing job search campaigns, because they can sometimes be impulsive and careless.
- Excellent networkers, but tend to have difficulty translating their energy and enthusiasm to paper. Thus, they tend to excel in interviews, provided they haven't been screened out by a sloppy résumé or lack of attention to detail.
How energizers can improve their job search strategy
- Learn to curb impulsiveness.
- Appreciate the value of tools such as résumés, cover letters and employment applications (and working to make them professional).
- Learn not to be sensitive to criticism and rejections.
- Use creativity to find ways to impress employers.
- Mind the small details of an effective job search campaign (such as keeping track of résumés sent out, replies from prospective employers, interview dates and follow-up activities).
The thinker
"Thinkers are logical in all that they do -- the Mr. Spocks of the job search style universe," Liptak says. He goes on to describe them as perfectionists who are generally willing to spend a great deal of energy to complete projects and get them right. Liptak adds that thinkers often get bogged down in details and fail to "see the forest for the trees."
Thinkers and the job hunt:
- Tend to prefer traditional job search methods, such as mailing out a résumé rather than directly calling an employer.
- Are highly skilled at résumé and cover letter writing and preparing for interviews.
- Tend to become overwhelmed by the insignificant aspects of the job search and lose sight of the big picture.
- Sometimes come off as reserved and unenthusiastic during job interviews.
How thinkers can improve their job search strategy
- Rely less on logic and more on gut feelings.
- Be less critical.
- Be more flexible.
- Be more aggressive with employers.
- Develop a network of prospective employers.
- Don't overanalyze the minor details of a job search campaign.
READ MORE - What's Your Job Search Style?
Holly, of My Married Life
How Long We've Been Together
Here's the lowdown. As of this month, Jack and I have been together for NINE YEARS! I know! I can barely believe it myself. But even though we've been together forever -- we're still newlyweds. Wha-wha-whuh? Jack and I dated for six years before getting engaged, walked down the aisle at year seven, and have now been in the married club for two.
What Do You, Like...Do?
I'm a full-time writer -- and Jack is a singer-songwriter by night and a set dresser for film and TV by day. About a year ago, we bought a kinda-scary-but-has-lots-of-potential old house in Upstate New York and have been working on it every chance we get. We split our time between there and the city where most of our gigs are.
Why I Picked Him
Jack is definitely, hands-down my favorite guy I've ever met. If I hadn't married him, there weren't even any distant runners up. He's just so clearly the one for me. He's hilarious, gorgeous, smart, hilarious, sexy, and knows how to fix stuff. I mean, what more could you want?
If I Could Have My Dream Life...
If we could have our dream lives...I think mine would look a lot like the one I have right now -- just with more money and security. I would definitely keep writing -- Jack would probably drop out of production work and do music full time. We'd probably have a wee one. Oh, there'd be lots and lots of travel... Hmmm...what else? Oh, our house would be done! Dare to dream, right?
Kids? Pets? Houseplants? Hobbies?
We want kids, but aren't quite a ready. A lot of the non-readiness is financial (we still can't afford health insurance) but part of it is us just wanting to enjoy these early years together -- just the two of us. We also happen to have a fat little mutt named Bernard -- who we dote on to such a degree that it probably disturbs friends and family. Bernard seems to be filling the baby void for now :) PS: I have never been able to keep a houseplant alive for more than seven days. And, yes, this includes cacti. I know. I know. ( thenest.com )
READ MORE - Holly, of My Married Life
The Planning for Baby
Talk
Make sure you're reasonably settled, financially stable, getting along well (a kid won't help a faltering relationship), and 100 percent (not 99 percent) certain you both want this change in your lives.
Get Ready Physically
If you haven't had an annual exam in years, schedule one. Then book a pelvic exam and update your immunizations. Also ask your doctor about vitamins and supplements (folic acid) you should be taking.
Uncover Your Genes
Depending on your background, your doc may refer you to a genetic counselor who will run a battery of tests to see if you carry genetic disorders like Tay-Sachs, cystic fibrosis, or sickle cell anemia.
Tune up Your Teeth
All of the extra blood flow and estrogen in the body can lead to more plaque production and bleeding gums, so get a cleaning before you get pregnant and make sure your smile is in its optimal condition.
See a Financial Planner
Or give yourself a financial checkup. According to a 2002 report from the U.S. Department of Agriculture, it costs about $250,000 to raise a child to age 18.
Learn Your Cycle
Start tracking your cycles now so you know when (or about when) you ovulate. Most cycles are 28 days (making day 14 the best time to conceive), but this varies from woman to woman.
Make a Baby Budget
Save yourself a lot of stress by setting up your budget now for when the baby is born. Diapers aren't cheap!
Look into Disability and Life Insurance
Disability must be purchased before you become pregnant if you want it to cover your birth and postpartum time. Because most policies require several months before you're eligible, buy it in advance.
Find out About Family Leave
Have you been at your current job long enough to be covered by the Federal Family Leave Act? Every employer has its own policies on top of the law regarding how much maternity leave is paid (or partially subsidized).
Go to Jamaica!
Fly to France! Sail into the sunset! Really enjoy being a married couple -- a family of two. Travel becomes tricky (if not limiting) with a newborn, so get to as many sites now as you can (within your budget, of course).
Relax
This shouldn't feel like work., so have fun and don't get freaked out if you don't make a baby on the first shot. If you're in your mid-30s and don't conceive after six months, check in with your ob-gyn (three months if it makes you feel better). There are many variables that decide your fertility. In fact, half of all issues couples have lie with the men. ( thenest.com )
READ MORE - The Planning for Baby
16 scary symptoms
Most of us put off going to the doctor. Maybe we'll feel better tomorrow. We don't want to make a fuss. We don't want her to nag again about our smoking or our weight.
In fact, going to the doctor is on many peoples' list of favourite activities - somewhere between painting the garage and banging their head hard several times on the low doorway of the outside shed.
But that doctor's visit could save your life. Early intervention in the case of a disease such as cancer, could make all the difference. It is simply better to bite the bullet and make that appointment, rather than lying awake for months and doing nothing about it.
But what are the symptoms that should make anyone sit up and take note? And more importantly, which symptoms should make you go to your GP that same day?
1. Constant coughing.
If you've recently had flu, a cough will linger for a few days or even a few weeks. But if you have a cough which has moved in lock, stock and barrel, it's time to get to the doctor. It could be one of several things, from tuberculosis, a chest infection and lung cancer, to name but a few.
2. Rectal bleeding.
If your stools are dark in colour and you become aware of the fact that you regularly bleed from the anus, make that appointment. It could be any of a number of things, from benign (bleeding piles) to serious (colon cancer), but don't take any chances.
3. Blinding headaches.
Everyone gets headaches from time to time, but if you start missing work regularly and live on painkillers, the time for action has come. It could be as simple as getting different glasses, changing your diet/lifestyle, or it could be something more worrying. Best to get to the truth as soon as possible.
4. Vision problems.
Everyone's vision deteriorates somewhat with age, but if your vision becomes blurry overnight, or changes in any other noticeable way, see an optician and a neurologist. It may be something insignificant, but then, it also may not be.
5. Fever. If your temperature fluctuates between high and normal for no discernable reason, find out what's wrong. If you run a fever for more than three days, visit your doctor.
6. Ongoing diarrhoea.
Whether the result of food poisoning or a virus, diarrhoea is dangerous. And the longer it continues, the more dangerous it becomes, as it dehydrates you. If you regularly get diarrhoea, or if it carries on for more than two or three days, see the doctor. If your baby has diarrhoea, don't waste a day before you see your doctor/nurse. Do it immediately.
7. Chest pains.
This could be as innocent as heartburn, but it could also be a signal that your heart is in trouble. If chest discomfort is accompanied by pains in your left arm, don't bother with the GP – get straight to the hospital's emergency room. You could be having a heart attack.
8. Night sweats.
Sweating at night is not normal – it is often a symptom of tuberculosis, Aids or Hodgkin's disease, which is a lymphatic cancer. Do something about it.
9. Genital sores.
These are usually a symptom of a sexually transmitted disease. They should not be ignored, as this disease can be passed on to others, regardless of what it might be doing to you.
10. New moles. Most people have moles somewhere on their bodies. If a mole changes its colour, shape or size, it could be turning nasty. Watch out for new moles. They will not go away by themselves if left untreated, and could become quite serious in the long run.
11. Sudden muscle weakness.
If you suddenly find you have difficulty standing, walking, or balancing, or that muscles that were fine the day before have become weak and useless, get it checked out. It could be, among other things, Parkinson's disease or you may even have had a mild stroke. And yes, young people can have strokes too.
12. Breathing difficulties.
Sudden onset of breathing difficulties could signify many things – from asthma, to an allergic reaction, to name but two. Breathing problems can quickly become life-threatening. Don't ignore them.
13. Constant urination.
Everyone urinates a few times per day, but when you start getting up three or four times during the night to go to the toilet, something is wrong. It could be prostate problems or the onset of type 2 diabetes, or even just a bladder infection. Best make sure.
14. Bumps and lumps.
Whether we're talking swollen glands or lumps under the skin, these should never be ignored. Better be safe than sorry. It could just be a mild infection or a pimple or boil, but then again, it may not. Check it out.
15. Chronic exhaustion.
Between working nine-to-five and keeping the family going, most people are tired, and not surprisingly. But when you suddenly feel as if getting out of bed in the morning is a major undertaking, something could be wrong. It may be depression, or the exhaustion could be a symptom of other ailments.
16. Loss of interest in life.
If you or family members suspect you may be depressed, why suffer unnecessarily? We are no longer in the fourteenth century and depression can be treated. Most people who commit suicide suffer from depression. Up those serotonin levels before you get to these levels of desperation. ( health24.com )
READ MORE - 16 scary symptoms
The genius brothers behind Google Wave
Years later, after finding cushy employment at Google Inc., the Rasmussen brothers flew in May from Sydney, Australia, to California where they would debut their sophomore product, a Web application called Google Wave, which they say, quite audaciously, will kill e-mail and forever change online communication.
But their lives didn't depend on its success -- not like before.
Strange as it may seem, that worried them.
With Google Wave, the Danish brothers are trying to recreate the kind of near-ruin stress they experienced when they came up with the product that made them wildly successful.
In doing so, they're trying to prove that innovation, a somewhat magical and ethereal happening, can be engineered just like software.
But, as they prepared to take the stage to unveil Google Wave at a Web developers' conference in San Francisco, their faith in that hypothesis started to slip.
Was Wave too ambitious? Would the glitches come back? Was it too soon?
Were they under enough pressure?
And, worst of all: Would they become one-hit wonders?
A case of nerves
The night before Wave's big debut at the Google I/O conference in San Francisco, Lars Rasmussen laid in bed from 2:30 to 5 a.m.
It wasn't restful sleep.
His wife, Yarima, caught him practicing his pitch for Wave during the fretful slumber. He waved his hands in the air as if he were pointing at a projection screen. She knew he hadn't been sleeping in months as he prepared Wave for this presentation.
The next morning at the conference, Lars stood offstage, trying to calm his nerves by listening to Eminem on an iPod while a co-worker gave him a glowing introduction.
"The engineering leadership behind what you're about to see is the work of two brothers and an amazing engineering team with them," said Vic Gundotra, a Google vice president of engineering. He spoke in a coolly excited tone, like that of a school guidance counselor.
"Those two brothers are Lars and Jens Rasmussen. You might remember those names because those were the same amazing people that did another magical app, called maps ... Google Maps."
The stage at the conference had a game-show feel to it: A big logo -- all vertical stripes, just like "The Price is Right" -- served as a backdrop to two Jeopardy-looking podiums in the center of the stage.
Lars looked like he'd just gotten off a shift at the Gap. A microphone headset was stuck to his ear and he wore jeans and an untucked blue T-shirt with the Google Wave logo on it.
He fidgeted with a water bottle, opened his laptop and nervously began the biggest pitch of his life.
'Let's start a Wave'
Lars has always been the pitchman.
Jens is the quiet older brother: the eccentric, the idea guy.
When he's onto a big idea, Jens almost never writes it down. Words confine good thoughts and kill them, he says. He mulled over his idea for Google Maps for years before putting it into a written proposal.
But with Wave, he didn't have that luxury.
When the brothers joined Google together after selling Jens' idea for Google Maps, they already knew he had to come up with something new -- something bigger.
So Jens set to work. He shuttered himself in his Copenhagen, Denmark, apartment, tuned his television to MTV, watched some music videos and let his thoughts drift.
By the end of a weekend, he had come up with Google Wave, his idea for an e-mail killer.
He sent the idea to Lars in an e-mail.
"I remember being immediately sold," Lars said. "He'll claim it took a couple of days, but that's entirely untrue."
In theory, the idea for Wave is simple. It's e-mail updated for the Internet age, Jens says.
E-mail as we know it is based on the snail-mail format: you send a message; your friend receives it. Wave makes mail collaborative and instant. When you type a message to a friend, he or she sees what you're typing as you type it. You can jump in and start drafting a reply before the initial message is complete. Wave also lets users collaborate on editable documents, called Wikis, share photos, update blogs, set appointments and chat in big groups. You can add conference calls to a Wave. A translation function called Rosy will translate chat messages between languages as you write.
Wave is free and runs through the Internet, meaning that, like Gmail, you don't have to download a program to use it. This also makes Wave highly ambitious from a technical perspective. Lars and Jens are almost performing magic tricks with Internet browsers. Asking a developer to create a stellar piece of software that runs through the Web is somewhat like asking a composer to write a symphony on a smartphone.
The Rasmussens admit their product is confusing to explain and is trying to make a massive leap forward into uncharted technological territory.
For these reasons, Jens, the idea guy, considered proceeding more slowly with Wave's release. Maybe he and Lars should wait another year, or put off some of its more complicated features, he suggested.
But Lars is the risk-taker. And Jens folded to his vision.
The e-mail killer
On stage at the conference in San Francisco, Lars started his spiel.
"When we started this project more than two years ago, we asked ourselves the question: What would e-mail look like if it was invented today?
"And obviously there are about a million ways you can try to answer that question. What you're going to see today, Google Wave, is our attempt."
Lars struggled to explain Google Wave to the audience.
He pulled out all kinds of comparisons to try to get the message across: Wave is like mobile texting, it's like a Wiki, it's like instant messaging, it's like a blog. It's like e-mail -- well, kind of. It's something new, he said.
At first, it was difficult to tell if the audience was buying it. Some demos of Wave's features rolled by with scant reaction from the crowd.
"Don't be shy, you guys," Lars said. "If you like something, don't be shy in letting us know. We can handle any amount of applause."
Soon things started to pick up.
The audience cheered in excitement.
Twelve minutes into the presentation, Jens made his entrance, if you could call it an entrance. He looked about as comfortable as a spokesman for a hemorrhoid cream.
His job was to demonstrate the way that Wave will play back the history of a message if someone enters a conversation late.
The audience loved it. It seemed like they were going to be sold on these new ideas.
But it was still early.
"So, now that I'm caught up on this Wave, I'm just going to add my reply," Jens said.
" 'Me ... too,' " Jens said, speaking the words he was typing into a message.
"Oh!" he said, surprised.
The program had crashed.
Recipe for risk
When the dotcom bubble burst in the early 2000s, the Rasmussen brothers were laid off within weeks of each other, both from a company called Digital Fountain.
There were virtually no jobs to look for in technology. So the brothers cashed in one of their pensions, sapped bank accounts and put their lives on the line to chase a kooky idea Jens had about map-making on the Internet.
Without the risk and the pressure, they wouldn't have been able to do it, the brothers said.
"I do believe that you can achieve more if you're willing to take risks," Lars said in a recent phone interview. "There's almost a total correlation between the amount of risk you're willing to take and then the amount of stuff you then potentially can get done."
The Rasmussen brothers have done their best to recreate the high-stakes situation that produced Google Maps.
They wanted to make a stress incubator, to start a fire under their team that would propel its creativity to new heights.
This was their formula:
• Google Wave would operate as a start-up company within the corporate giant of Google.
• The 60-person Wave team would be based in Sydney, Australia, far away from Google's corporate headquarters in Mountain View, California.
• Google employees who wanted to work on Wave would have to take a risk to join the brothers, a diluted version of what the Rasmussens faced when they started Google Maps. The team took cuts to their bonus pay, with the hopes of a big payout if Wave were to succeed.
• And their project would be secret. The rest of Google's project files, codes and other documents are accessible to anyone in the company. Not Wave's.
The Rasmussens felt good about their recipe for success through risk-taking. But it also made them more nervous.
Along the way, they found another form of motivation: the fear of failure.
Just a dress rehearsal
"Did you notice how quickly it reloads?" Jens said with a laugh, trying to recover from the crash in the middle of his presentation.
Throughout the rest of the Rasmussen brothers' pitch for Wave, Jens and Lars pulled out a number of pre-planned jokes to deflect attention from the shortcomings and crashes of their fledgling product.
Lars started dancing and humming elevator music to make up for one lull in the demo, much to the horror of Yarima, his Cuban wife, who says Lars is an adroit Latin dancer.
"Inside my Wave I'm going to write 'check this out' and then I'm going to copy the link in there, and then ... I'm going to dance a little while the system spectacularly fails," Lars said, trailing off as Wave crashed again.
The brothers continued in this awkward way for what seemed like an eternity.
But when the presentation ended, the audience had loved it.
When Lars demonstrated Wave's ability to translate between languages, in real-time, as a person types, the audience cheered so loudly and for so long that it felt like they were calling for an encore at a music festival. At the conclusion of the show, Jens remembers the developers giving them a standing ovation, shaking their laptops above their heads.
Lars and Jens were elated.
But the May demo was only a dress rehearsal, one held in front of a friendly audience that understands Wave's technical ambitions.
The real show will come when Wave is released to the public, when Google's army of users decides if it wants to take this leap beyond e-mail with the Rasmussen brothers.
Or if they're up for that risk. CNN
READ MORE - The genius brothers behind Google Wave